Finally stepped on the scale this morning. I think I was in need of a shock to finally wake me up out of this sugar-induced stupor. It woke me up, alright. I won't go through my list of emotions—I'm sure you can pretty well guess by now what my response would have been.
I did not, however, spend twenty minutes crying in the shower, which is a fairly typical response for me. Probably because the number really wasn't a surprise, given what The Woman Formerly Known as Lorie looked like in pictures from the weekend. And how can I act shocked when I know what I've been doing? The first ten pounds I can legitimately blame on a crappy winter—they truly snuck up on me. The rest? Well, it's all me, baby. Rebellion? Anger turned inward? Apathy? Self-care? Who knows. I just hope it's over.
It is odd that I did not cry. But I think I am moving toward resolve. Moving toward… In the meantime, there are Oreo cookies in my pantry from the weekend. Will I eat one when I'm done? Before I tell my husband to take them into work tomorrow? Will I eat more than one? More than two? Or will I drink my water and retreat to bed, knowing that there are more Oreo cookies in the world that I can have any time I want?
Mr. Newton claims for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Pig out—gain weight. Starve—binge. Weigh yourself—freak out and create a new resolve to, well, to do what?
I don't know.
I'm tired of equal and opposite reactions. I want a new and different reaction. I want to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. I want to be free.
But does freedom mean eating the Oreo cookies, or not?
This, I cannot determine for the life of me…
I recently swore to limit my high glycemics to 2 a day. While the weight does come off, I hate getting on the scale which ever reminds me how long I have failed to do this. I have far to go. I have a stack of Pilates tapes and a full work out room.
ReplyDeleteI gained a new work schedule that throws a monumental kink in my life, my work out time, my grocery shopping.
But because of work, I have lost the desire to eat. With out my daily (hourly) visits to the fridge, and because I don't move anything but fingers for most of the day the weight trickles off. Never give up.
I love this blog.
Hey Jules! I know about that kink--this year was one of them. This summer may very well be another. But the loss of desire to eat? Um, can't relate to that. Can't say I've EVER lost the desire to eat!
ReplyDelete