I wasn't going to weigh myself today. Then I was. Then I wasn't. Then suddenly I was standing on the scale in the middle of my bedroom, holding my breath and hoping I wouldn't regret the un-decision.
I exhaled with no small amount of relief.
The weight-loss gods have smiled on me and my small, square, electronic device. We have found favor in their eyes, and they have rewarded me with a smaller number than the last time I stepped on this cursed piece of machinery. Five pounds. Again. I figure that's about 5,000 I've lost, total. Over, and over, and over.
The next milestone is 145. And then, The Blasted Plateau.
There are those for whom a red flag would raise at the thought of my emotional state being dependent upon the green number at my feet. I get it. To them I would reply, You don't get what it's like to be me.
There is no accurate measure of success in my life with scales. The number fluctuates. The fit of my clothes fluctuates. The feel of my body fluctuates. This is what works for me. Roughly every two to three weeks, occasionally sooner if I'm feeling particularly neurotic, I get up first thing in the morning and I go to the bathroom. If I'm feeling brave, I head back to the bedroom, strip down to my birthday suit, pull out the scale, and step on it. I move it several times to accommodate the inconsistencies in our 100 year old wood floor. I take the lowest number that pops up more than once, and I let my poor, trampled little sense of hope run with it. (Unless, of course, the number is higher than the last time. Then, well, you know what happens then...)
Again, this is what works for me. And that is, after all, what I tell clients they need to do. Sort through all the advice, rules, and cautions, and find what works for them in the long run, provided it's not illegal or immoral. Weighing myself every few weeks, and being affected by the result, is, to the best of my knowledge, not illegal or immoral. And so I will continue in this manner until something else works better.
I'm okay with the number today. I'm okay with how my pants fit. I'm okay with how I feel. Today is okay.
I won't tempt my luck again any time soon, however...